Do you ever feel like you're living in slow motion? No matter what you do, you can't seem to speed things up a little? It's not that you want your days to zip on past you, but you're just a little bit tired of them always feeling a bit sluggish.
Do you ever feel like your life won't slow down? You can't seem to ever find a moment to simply step back and breathe. It's all one big, scary blur and you're starting to feel a little lost in the whirlwind of diapers and editing and maintaining your husband’s pile of laundry.
Like a thong betwixt a pair of buns, I'm caught in between.
I realize that may sound like an oxymoron. How can your life be racing past you, yet simultaneously creeping along like that tiny old grandma who somehow always ends up in front of you on the highway?
I catch myself having nostalgic moments at the most random times. Sawyer has really been loving to use a fork lately. With the confidence and expertise of a child much older, she has transformed in a utensil-bearing baby (my scary reality). Every time she brings a speared bite of avocado to her lips, my heart breaks a smidge. Where did my baby go? Time, won’t you stop for just a little bit?
On the other hand, I find myself consistently praying that I can make it through the week. Whenever Sawyer has a mini melt down because weaning is apparently the hardest thing that’s ever happened in her life, or I get bored copyediting whatever novel I’m working on, or I wish Grahm could be a stay-at-home parent with me, I pray that my days will zip right on by. The stupid tick tock of the clock toys with me as time slinks on by. I can't help but wish it was tomorrow, or next week, or summer, or the next baby, or time for school. And so on and so on. Maybe it’ll get easier then. Maybe when Sawyer can dress herself, I’ll be able to take longer than a five-minute shower. Maybe then I’ll the energy to muster up a decent meal for my family. (Ha.)
Neither one of these mentalities is beneficial. Neither is satisfying. On the one hand, I never want to experience anything other than my current routine. I’m desperately clinging to the moments of today, never wanting my red-headed girl to gain another pound or learn another word. And yet, I want my present situation to speed right along to an easier time. (Again I say, ha.)
These perspectives make us miss things, BIG things. Our most satisfying moments are the daily make up of our lives. Do we really want to miss it because our attention was elsewhere? Well, I sure don't.
I want to find pleasure in my present, a true contentment in my day to day. I don't want to be constantly looking forward, nor do I wish to be fixated with my rearview mirror. Because somehow I know, no matter what stage of life I'm in, my sinful heart will never be fully satiated. Without the contentment of Christ, I'll always be looking ahead or staring behind instead of enjoying the blessings of my present.