things men should never say

Thursday, February 21, 2013

There are few phrases that men say that make my buns pucker up in disdain. (That's right. There are disdainful buns afoot!) And I'm not even referring to the typical, "Those jeans make you look like your hiding a fanny pack in there."

Grahm is usually very wise with his words around his testy little troll (aka me). But every once in a while, his man brain kicks in, and his common sense abandons ship faster than you can say "boobs." It's all men, really though. They let their lips flap in the breeze all willy nilly, unknowingly hurting our small fries. (Obviously I could write a whole post about women who probably get into even more trouble with their tongues... wait, that didn't come out right.)

Here are three things men should never ever say. Keep that zipper zipped.

1. "Are you on your period?"
         - Answer? Probably. But until you grow a uterus that decides to go all Hiroshima on the rest of your body once a month, you don't get to comment on my moody, unpredictable, eat-everything-in-sight behavior. No, it's not an excuse to act like a garfunkled cave woman addicted to a heating pad, but it is very much a reality... so let's just not bring it up. Capiche?

2. "Are you going to shower?"
         - This is my personal favorite, because it's a triple whammy. Essentially what he's really saying is: "You smell," "You're looking like a hot mess, sans hot," and "You're lazy" all in one big, seemingly inoffensive question. Maybe I'm the only girl on the planet, but I do NOT shower every day. Rome wasn't built in a day, folks. (What?) Unless my pits morph into rotting cabbage patches, let me wear my hair in a bad hair day bun for as many days in a row as I want.

3. "You look tired."
         - Translation: "You're not wearing nearly enough makeup." Just no. There may be dark circles under my eyes the size of Detroit, but you best ignore them. I mean what's the best case scenario here for ya? Are you trying to make me drown my self-esteem issues in yet another gallon of cookie dough ice cream?

There ya have it, gents. I hope you learned something.
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51 comments:

Emily said...

i hate it when ANYONE makes that last comment to me. i always think, "thanks, i guess i must look like shit today!"

Nessa said...

I always cringe when I hear someone tell someone else they look tired. Or mention that it looks like they're not feeling well, etc. It's just a more polite way of saying 'you look like poo'.

Ashley Wright said...

Your posts never disappoint! Thanks for putting a smile on my face! Oh and I couldn't agree more!

Lauren H. Edmondson said...

my husband loves to say "are you going to shower?" and it pisses me off to no end. He is supppperrr crazy about showering and takes like three a day but doesn't understand that I can take one every other...and sometimes more and then work all kinds of magic to avoid my hair looking like a total oily mess.

Stephanie said...

LOL! Love this post. I can definitely agree with the first one. That's just asking for another battle.

Ktbuttons said...

My husband asks the "are you going to shower?" too. and yes, it drives me nutty. I've tried finding support online to prove that showering everyday is not good for hair or skin, haha. he doesn't buy it. personally i think he likes to ask because he knows that if i've showered there are better chances for some sexy time. haha

put a bow on it [kaitlyn] said...

I hate when my husband asks me if I'm going to shower!! It results in me slamming the door in his face a lot.

Sara said...

I definitely needed the laugh today, and your post did not disappoint! All three of these are completely true, by the way. The shower one gets me....seriously, how dirty do you think I am?! It's not like I go play in the mud or trample through dog poo on a daily basis....I can skip a shower on a given day.

Jodi said...

I hate when people - men or women - say you look tired. I've had co-workers say it to me!

Kelsey Eaton said...

Hahaha agree agree agree! I have a very strange sense of humor and have very weird come backs to almost every one of these questions. Are you on your period? Yeah, wanna see the bloody mess thats creating havoc in my body? Are you going to shower? You dont think I'm beautiful? Hahaha my poor husband. :) PS I dont shower every day either. Im just o thoughtful and dont want to use up all of mother nature's water supply. ;)

storiesofkel.blogspot.com

Holly said...

LOL you are hilarious :) And these are so true!

Jordyn said...

This is so true!
Jordyn
theprettylovelyblog.blogspot.com

P!nky said...

You are so wise and true.

My favorite is you look tired....THANK YOU! ugh

KatyK said...

Dying Laughing....definitely going to send a few of my buddies to read this. Don't ever ask me if I'm tired homie. Unless I'm straight falling asleep in your lap.

Allison said...

Hahahahahah. Love these. You need to make tshirts.

Rachel said...

When I grow up, I just want to be half as funny as you are. LOVE THIS!

Amie Willoughby said...

LOL!!!!!! aahhhhahahahaha!!! i can't even tell ya how much I love this post!!

Sam said...

My boyfriend asked me #1 the other day and I wanted to strangle him. Just because I'm in a bad mood doesn't mean I'm PMS'ing!!!

Becky said...

Hahahaha every woman on the planet would 100% agree with this!! Hilarious!

Cindy P said...

Bahaha! My least favorite thing is when Collin asks me if I'm going to shower. For the exact reasons you said! And like you, I don't shower every day. I find that if I do my skin dries out really quickly and my hair gets gross!

Rachael said...

Pssstt... I don't shower every day either!! Hehe. And I HATE when people ask if I'm tired! How do people not realize that's a no-no? Love this post. :) Maybe Grahm should write a "things women should never say" as a response.

Carlee said...

I'm with you on the shower thing! Somedays (read: most days) sleep is more important. And until I smell like something died, don't ask me if I'm going to shower, 'cause that actually makes me want to shower less. double-edged sword!

Amy said...

Sometimes we're just mad and pissy and it has nothing to do with PMS, they're just being an ass. What's their excuse? hhahaha

That question really irritates me. My ex used to say that all the time.

Helene said...

i knew I would like this post. this is pure awesome and so true!

Amy said...

oh. my. gosh. The period comment, pure genius! We call it "shark week" around my house because a sharks brain is shaped similar to a uterus. Aka during shark week SHUT THE HECK UP. My brother knows that if i ask for a heating pad, medicine, or for him to quickly run to the store that it's better to comply than face the wrath that comes with shark week.
Also, i have to shower every day during the week, otherwise my hair turns into a multiple mammal nest. :) But on the weekends, screw that. :)
Great post! As always!

Brandy said...

Wise wise words to the men of this world! lol Love this post! & you're definitely not the only one who doesn't shower everyday! Aside from it not being good for hair & skin, I just flat out don't wanna. lol As long as my lady bits are clean & my underarms don't reek, I am good to go! haha.

Lauren said...

This is hilarious, especially the period comment! Hiroshima! hahahaha

Taylor LeMay said...

Two more top contenders - "Are you going to put makeup on?" or "Are you wearing that?" - ooooo gets me going!

Annabelle said...

This is spot on Jena! I have even had my Dad tell me "You look tired honey!" My response is, "Dad, I don't even have make-up on ya dork!" Really? Men...ugh! haha

Wifessionals said...

The shower is the worst...especially because I don't "work" per say...I am NOT lazy!!! Sometimes I was just running errands all day in sweats...

Ashley @ its the little things said...

I love this!!! Mine might things those things, but he sure as heck won't say it. I have been asked if I was going to get out of my PJs at all that day and my answer was "no" and that was the end of it. ha.

julia rose. said...

Hahaha I get the "are you gonna shower" comment WAY too often! And no, I am not smelly or gross, haha but I don't shower every day either! My boy toy even said he was going to teach me the rules of general hygiene one of these days. I about died. The NERVE! haha

Jamie K. said...

This is totally true!! haha love it!! Great advice to boys who don't read these blogs NEAR enough!!!

Suze said...

ahahaha yes to all of these!

Tara said...

You hit the nail on the head with these!!! I have one that I heard tonight actually, "are you wearing that"? Oh no you didn't Mr.S, is what I was thinking! You see I was wearing my snazzy flats out to the mall {keep in mind it's 30 degrees}. And I was asked this question as if my common sense had fallen off the face of the earth! My answer, "well yes I am Dad". Guys don't get the beauty before weather thing. Plus my common sense told me that I would be traveling from car to mall back to car so this attire was totally acceptable.

Amy Lynn said...

Too funny, but I tend to get the "you look tired" from my mother in law lol and I'm usually asking my husband if he's going to shower!

PraisingMyCreater said...

This post made my day! Thanks for the laugh... loved the tired one. SO TRUE.. I hate when people tell me that!

Steph said...

This is one of the best blog posts I've ever read! Not only did it make me laugh out loud, but it is all SO true! I HATE when people ask me if I'm tired. No, I just didn't pack on the makeup like usual. Glad to hear my natural beauty is making you so concerned! Haha. Love this. And your writing is just phenomenal.

Maxine said...

when my man asks me about my period it makes me start my period.... because I'm THAT frustrated. Kidding, that would be weird, but when he does ask I flip out... in a natural period way.

Erin said...

Hahaha this is so good. The "You look like you feel like shit" coming from anyone on the face of the planet is what gets me. The translation is simple here folks...aka YOU look like shit. Lovely, thanks.

Mish Lovin' Life said...

hahaha oh man, I so hear ya on the period thing. I don't understand how they think asking a question like that could possibly make things better. OR when they act like the understand the whole period/crazy psycho shenanigans. You don't understand man, and you never will. Now pass me some chocolate. Pronto!

Lindsey @ Life on Countryside said...

haha this post had me cracking up!!!! "hiroshima on your body." yup that pretty much sums it up!

new follower!

xo
Lindsey
www.lifeoncountryside.com

Kaity said...

The first one. Every. Damn. Month. I finally had a talk last month and told him that statement has the capacity to piss off every single woman in the history of the world and he is no longer allowed to ask that. Haha!

Jenna said...

YES! What are men thinking?! Seriously?! The period one kills me... But my all time favorite is "you're being kind of crazy" oh man, he hasn't seen crazy until that one comes flying out of his mouth... oh gosh, that's the worst! Haha this post made me literally lol!

Lins - Domesticated Working Woman said...

YESSSS! Haha my husband pulls the period and shower one all the time. I give him"the look"

Whitney said...

This is exactly why I love you and your blog!!! I think my favorite part was "disdainful buns afoot." That's why we would be BFFs. Just saying.

Ashley Barnhill said...

"Are you going to shower?" HATEEEE that!!! No, I'm not going to shower because it takes me an hour to get ready and I just don't want to do that today so just deal with my stinky, no make up, hair in bun self for the day and don't question it! Ha!

ngnrdgrl said...

"Are you on your period?" Is the absolute worst!!!! GAwwww!!!! If I'm ticked about something and being bitchy about it, and you ask this question, you just shrunk down the whole worth of my feelings into nothing. You just disregarded how I felt over the subject and made an excuse for it. Yeah... maybe I am. But asking isn't going to make me less bitchy or less ticked off.

Melissa Knott said...

Yeah, I'm just getting around to reading posts on Bloglovin. Pretty sure your posts make my day. Seriously, I laugh like a fool.

Katie said...

Haha this is great! "Are you on your period?" I actually get annoyed when ANYONE asks me this. It is like just shut up and leave me alone. Especially you, Grandma.

Julie{isCocoandCocoa} said...

Love the shower thing! That's exactly what ponytails and buns are for.